Saturday, 6/18/16: parking a car

Took a neighborhood walk around the neighborhood with the seestre to catch up on things big and small. About my trip to Seattle. About her trip to Seoul. About my merkmarling and how things are good and there feels like a piece that got squared away in its right crevice in the puzzle of our relationship. About her lessons learned about family and feelings about appearance.

About fears and hopes and things that are pleasing.

It was one of those neighborhood walks we haven’t taken in so long — ones we used to take back in high school or middle school when we were young enough to be living in the same house most of the time but old enough that we were friends and conversation partners worthy of scratching each other’s curiosity itches.

Took a neighborhood walk and just meandered to our heart’s content. Some gems uncovered:

  • Seestre is the closest thing I have to a brain clone, erm twin?, in terms of that part of our brain that helps us theorize to the world’s end. We think in abstract spaces, terms, bits and can have conversations that are ungrounded in any kind of real-life example, whatsoever. It’s like there no need to build the garage before parking the car. It’s all just there and ready for me to pop right in. Kind of freeing, when it’s just us cogitating on things we know and feel warm and comfortable in; kind of unfortunate, if others are present and we’re supposed to be trying to explain something to them but just sound like a coupla artists engrossed in an inaccessible, artsy world with its unique and pretentious lingo. Note to self: Find and remember friends who are good at tacking on real-life examples to your theories.
  • Told her about trip to Seattle. About how I feel like I finally fell in love with Mark. And cried actual tears because the view from Kerry Park was actually too beautiful to behold. And how, ironically, vacation felt like what “normal life” as a married couple must feel, in some sense — being together 24/7. And how I had to adjust my heart’s quest and desire for Quality Time because being 100% engaged when you’re together 24/7 just isn’t practical or viable. And how that was okay. And good. Mm.
  • Talked about how “falling in love” feels different from “being in love” and how it feels like the missing piece that brings the whole wall together. Imperfect metaphor, though, cause why is the relationship a wall. But don’t read too much into this. It’s beautiful in my head.
  • Also talked through the conjunction of bullets 1 and 2 and 3 and how my insecurity with merkmarling always came from the fact that I feared that he just wasn’t theoretical enough to “get me” in my brain. And how that feels O.K., having gone through so many iterations of certainty and uncertainty and feeling like I’ve come to accept the lacks and appreciate his wonderfulnesses and realize that even among girlfriends, such relationships where I feel so “get”ted is rare and few. Relationship with seestre being one of them. Especially in light of the fact that sometimes, our own, supa-theoretical conversations sort of make me feel sickly and unrooted in reality, and that I crave a good dose of earth every now and then. How Mark is that and a whole lot more. She was convinced.
  • Discussed with her my recent heart tremblings about the whole Exodus-no-arch-evidence sitch. And about expanded worries about how my forgetfulness may be my greatest and ultimate, tragic problem — like,  the thing that brings me ultimate demise. Seestre disagreed — she said my ultimate tragic problem is more like my openness which causes me to be unrooted in things. How, because I am so open to the possibility of some other explanation and some other experience of this same situation and some other perspective of some other person truly and honestly, how I am also prone to be sorta easily swayed by what seems like the next logical and good argument. WOaahhh. The greatest and worstest trait (yes, singular) of an ENFP. Which we both are.
  • Yin and yang is corny but real. People’s greatest strengths are often their greatest weaknesses, also, if out of balance and off-valance. Energy management is crucial for even your “best trait” to shine as a best trait indeed. Think of the person at your office whose greatest strength is their sheer productivity. At the right valence, this is, very obviously, a very good asset to have as a part of your professional team. But let it go into overdrive, and you’ll see this productivity become a steamroller, to the detriment of the team as a whole. Let it slide into underdrive (?. just roll with me), and you’re not accessing this person’s greatest strength at all. They’re probably feeling like their floundering, too.

I think I talked way too much (listened way too little) — I only remember bits and pieces of what she shared with me. Haven’t figured out why this is, but these neighborhood walk n talks always end up being like this: me, full of words and ideas to speak out loud, and lots of resulting thought gems. I’m thinking, though, it probably has something to do with bullet number 1 and how I feel most easily understood by her. I don’t have to draw any mental pictures for her — she just gets it, with gray, business-speak words like “implement” and “coordinate.” There’s something super thirsty and yearn-y in me that spouts out words and arguments and ideas whenever I’m in her presence, partially because she listens well and partially because I know she’ll get it. What is it about feeling understood that makes it such an irresistible and fundamental human desire? Is it kind of like the mental version of our emotional/physical need for community?

The weather was perfect. When we got home, we took showers and thought about eating strawberry cake, but everyone was too lazy to go downstairs to get it from the basement fridge. So we listened to dad’s latest craze in music tastes instead. And talked about music. And culture. And eventually all fell asleep on the couch by 11 pm. It was a sweet time, no strawb cake needed.

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