ec: mramey aka mamacita: “do you ever feel like you could end up anywhere in the world, at any time?

hej

sorry I left the real meat of your email unanswered for so long. with no real internet at home it’s hard to be prompt with link-ful emails 😉 my internet options are either work, or going to a coffeeshop or sumpin. which I…so rarely do these days (the coffeeshop. the work, I am here, like almost every day). It feels like an unnecessary luxury, especially when 8am-5pm are taken up with a chunk of work and evenings are spent frolicking around (aka tutoring and going on dates with markling and having random undergrads over at my apartment for tea and going home-home for dat mama lee food…too often); it almost feels a shame to spend a “leisurely” few hours sitting, spending more time on my butt in front of a computer screen. And after all this, I still have not read the Emerald Light article you sent. I’ve clicked into it many a time, only to be overwhelmed by the lengthgevity and brainspace required to appreciate it, I’m sure. But keep sending these things my way, please. Enriqueces mi vida por estos enlaces. OMG I just realized what a GREAT name Enrique is, if a bit narcissistic. Guau.

&another GUAU: what a whiny and defensive prologue. I stop nao; sorry about that.

But let’s see… Do I ever feel like I could end up anywhere in the world… I wonder if you even care about this question anymore. But I’ll endeavor to answer it anyway, cause it’s a good thing to ponder.

I think if I were residing anywhere outside of the US (maybe even just the continental US) in a long-term, indefinite sense, I would always have a (constantly diminishing, but ever-present…like asymptote-approchement?) sense of wonder/discomfort. In the best/worst ways that slashes are so useful for lazily capturing opposite/unrelated things. I haven’t had to be tested for long-enough periods of time with this, cause I always sorta discredit those study abroad semesters for having been too ez and self-indulgent and too reassuringly time-constrained, although let’s be real, there were MOMENTS OF STRUGGLE in those semesters, for sure. But basically, I mean that I am not sure about all this. so this whole thing has still only been a prologue to the real meat of the answer… sigh.

So, summoning my powers of theorization: I surmise, even with that ever-diminishing, yet constantly asymptotey feeling of BEING AT HOME at any particular place in the world that is not your HOME (whatever that means), I think it’s possible for everyday life to come to feel “Normal” and “Like You’ve Built a Life There,” indeed, with enough passage of time and enough connections, memories, relationships made in that formerly New place. And in my ever-Christian, hopelessly romantic(-realist) worldview, no matter how weird and uncomfortable something feels, it was meant to happen in your life, at that point in time, in that place in the universe, just so. Even if those things don’t feel formed or definite to you, at all. We can only tell all this and glean our lessons in hindsight, anyway (and even then, sometimes we can’t). And more and more I’m learning that my feelings about things are pretty off, a lot of the time—at best, merely descriptive; at worst, counterintuitive and/or counterproductive. Maybe other people have better correlation of gut-feeling decisions and successful outcomes; maybe I’m just extra dull at ETS. EST? STD? …wait…)

And yeah, I do take a lot of comfort in the belief that “things feel formed” to me; but I recognize the fact that either way, it doesn’t matter. I should live my life with just as much hope and resolve and hard work, either way, cause. Life is a gift. Every moment is a freaking miracle. And here we spin out into endless possibilities of all the terrible and all the wonderful…

What are (or were…) you thinking about all this? And what do you think of it now?

And what else are you thinking of these days?

Te echo de menos, chiquita blanquita. I love youse.

PS yaaaaaas la guitarraaaa. What songs have you learned. Have you joined a mariachi band yet. Am I being racist yet (nationalist? hrm).

PPS well and well and well and better to you, tambien, mama[cita]. also I’m gonna blawg dis. jajaja

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