I spent the better part of my evening walking and driving slowly through the better part of a Michael’s, visiting random favorite places, covering the better part of 29 at 40ish mph, listening to Mackluhmore spitting profanity, cause I don’t have any Christian music on my iPod at all, actually. Is this what shock feels like? I can’t tell if I feel glad or sad. Actually, neither, I think. Or maybe both. But it’s a muddle — actually maybe it’s emptiness cause I did something really brave today and now I feel completely naked. It’s like the biggest irony of my life, how easily I acclimate myself to nakedness of bodies but have to clench my proverbial eyes before I reveal things of true emotions and things I am thinking, a hand of cards I hold close to my chest, afraid of…what? Of so many things. I’m sort of like the biggest coward, actually.
Hiding behind my double exclamation points and walking sassily ahead cause standing ahead of you, my back hides the cheesy grins.
But woah, cause God uses everything (I mean, always), but these days, he’s been translating these workings into human language my heart has been deciphering. And the messages are telling me that no matter how carefully, how weightily, how thoughtfully I ponder, pause, plan, God does everything according to his unfathomable will. And that’s the best, actually. I don’t get to pick the where, the when, the how, at all at all, but I do get to participate, if I’ll be there – my presence presents me the presents. It’s hilarious and tragic. Tragicomedy, which is sort of the theme of my life at its greatest moments, actually.
I am here, Father.
[for what it’s worth]